Why Do You Want It?

Let me be real and say a thing that I know in my head, but no one wants to hear outloud. Trying to fill the void from the outside when the drain plug is lost on the inside is a strategy that is never going to work….and addiction by any other name is still addiction. It doesn’t matter if I change what the substance is. I’ll list a few of my favorites: Italian bread from Guilford Food Centre, ranch dressing, ice cream, alcohol, cigarettes, m&ms, coffee, diet coke, granola, nut butter, vegetables… Wait…what??? See that? The end of the list is where I have gotten tricky. These seemingly HEALTHY items are slippery…well, not literally obviously…maybe I should say sticky. The point is, the issue is the same. I use “insert substance here” to try to fill an emptiness. I have found the more benign the medium, the easier it is to excuse and bury the problem. We are all quick to note addictions of “bad things”, but few of us want to put the “good things” into the same category. For those of you that might want to dive into the Google hole, “orthorexia” is a good example of how this can manifest.

For those of you that follow my social media posts, I want to take a moment to point out that the meals I post are not the problems and the treats in proper portions aren’t either. If I only ate what I posted, in the quantities that I posted, I wouldn’t be talking about this. The problems are the binges that I don’t post… 16 oz of nut butter at 1am, or the dish of cashews, almonds and dark chocolate chips that I refill 3 times (amounting to roughly 3 measuring cups), or the one and a half chocolate waffles that I “had to taste for doneness”, or the grilled cheese that came after dinner, or “fill in the binge eating choice of the day here”…

It’s so easy to just “let it happen” as though it is some passive moment and outside of my control. It really does feel that way sometimes, as though it happens to me, despite the fact that I know it’s not true. Because I have been having a more difficult time staying present as of late, I have decided I am going to play a game of “Why?” with my suspect actions. My theory is this will allow me to better pull apart the pieces of whatever is fueling these addictions of emptiness…because, as I have written about before, my struggle seems to be my constant need to consume. My new process is honing in on the INTENTIONALITY of my actions and really contemplating the WHY. And seriously taking the time to THINK about the WHY…We’re in a pandemic so I definitely have the time. This also coincides nicely with another of my other issues, mindless eating….Here’s how I play.

Rule Number 1: Before I eat anything that isn’t a nutrient dense meal, I have to ask myself “Why?”. Easy, right?

Rule Number 2: “Because I want to.” and “Because I can.” are never valid answers to end with, but they can, and likely will, be the beginning of the question train. In reality, they are bullshit answers that allow me to lie by omission. Sure, “Because I want to eat ice cream”, is an answer, but what does it really say? It doesn’t actually say anything real so it doesn’t tell me anything useful. “Because I can.” is the worst offender and I use it all the time. What the hell kind of crap answer is that? They are bratty, ignorant, and simplistic. There are an infinite number of things I CAN do and even more that I WANT to do…These answers call for an additional round of “Why?”.

Rule Number 3: It doesn’t matter if it stops the action. Ask again anyway. Answer again anyway. Reflect anyway.

Keep digging because my other theory is that I am not going to have to ask WHY? multiple times to stop the behavior… most of the time. When I really start to ask WHY?, I will likely change my mind about eating whatever the offending binge starter is. I am disciplined enough for it to work. I know that I can be disciplined because I HAVE BEEN disciplined, but there is more to it than that. While behavior management is kind of the reason, it’s only the beginning. While I really want to stop the behavior, what I really want to stop is whatever is leading me towards that behavior in the first place. The behavior isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom.

The real reason for the game is to give myself permission to mine deeper on the search to find the problem, to get terrifying honest with myself. Good news: I have found the moment of wanting to stem the tide at the source. I want to end this cycle of replace and repeat, but to do THAT I am going to have to get a little more …you guessed it…Intentionally Unrefined. It doesn’t mean that I won’t indulge or that I am necessarily restricting more. It means that I am choosing to control my addictions instead of the reverse.